Words for beginning the service:
You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You—You are there first—You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at that same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are there first and thus forever… we speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.
--Soren Kierkegaard, Danish Philosopher & Theologian (1813-1855)
Grandpa (or Grandma?) in My Bones: Reckoning with Our Past EHR 3)
Rev. Brenda Satrum
October 9, 2022
Gospels for this message:
Luke 8:19-21. Now Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd. Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you.” He replied, “My other and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.”
John 15:9-12. (SLIDE 1) “I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. (Msg)
Words for beginning the service:
You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You—You are there first—You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at that same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are there first and thus forever… we speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.
--Soren Kierkegaard, Danish Philosopher & Theologian (1813-1855)
Grandpa (or Grandma?) in My Bones: Reckoning with Our Past EHR 3)
Rev. Brenda Satrum
October 9, 2022
Gospels for this message:
Luke 8:19-21. Now Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd. Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you.” He replied, “My other and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.”
John 15:9-12. (SLIDE 1) “I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. (Msg)
Grandpa (or Grandma?) in My Bones: Reckoning with Our Past EHR 3)
Rev. Brenda Satrum
October 9, 2022
Gospels for this message:
Luke 8:19-21. Now Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd. Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you.” He replied, “My mother and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.”
John 15:9-12. (SLIDE 1) “I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. (Msg)
(SLIDE 2)Welcome, Friends and Guests to (FLC/The Will Preach for Food Podcast), a ministry of Faith Lutheran Church, here in surprisingly sunny Shelton, Washington. This is Pastor Brenda Satrum, stepping in for Pastor Doug, my wonderful husband, for week three of Emotionally Healthy Relationships.
(SLIDE 3, LOVE LANGUAGES) So far, the series has been pretty cool. We’re sitting in silence a couple times a day, held in the unending, ever-present love of God even if we’re hosting a cocktail party in our head. The Buddhists call it “monkey mind”—our thoughts swinging from tree to tree, barely pausing for a banana here and there. When silence comes hard, it’s ok. Keep at it. God is with you first, loving you in this and every moment… Day 5 in the Day-By-Day devotion book is profound on this point, quoting Danish philosopher and theologian Soren Kierkegaard:
You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You—You are there first—You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at that same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are there first and thus forever… we speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.
--Soren Kierkegaard, Danish Philosopher & Theologian (1813-1855)
I LOVE that. God is ALWAYS loving us first—we just keep turning toward that love.
(SLIDE 4, THERMOMETER)And IF silence is coming slow, we’re ALSO learning and practicing great tools: the CTR helps us appreciate and understand each other, gently bring up what bothers and ask for what we prefer. (SLIDE 5)We’re learning to notice when we make up stories about what’s in other people’s minds, and then check them out: “I’m thinking that you’re thinking this… Is that true?” “Are you reading my mind?” I’m learning when I’m mad or disappointed, I can check my expectations: Was I expecting something? Did I know it? Did they know it? Was it reasonable? Did we agree? At least one person has told me, “WOW, if we’d learned this years ago, we could have avoided so much pain!”
But this week and next, reckoning with our past and our emotions, are tender. (SLIDE 6, STOP!)Most—maybe ALL of us resist looking at what’s hard in our lives and families: God’s love in Jesus covers our past, why dig up it up or pick at scabs? Doesn’t looking at old hurts dishonor the memory of good people just doing their best? If I reopen old wounds, what if it really hurts and doesn’t heal? And, PB, I’m no spring chicken—I’m past all that. Leave it for the kids.
So yes, this is tender. Of course, we resist. So, please take a breath, close your eyes, and know: God is loving you first. Right now. God loved and held your parents, your grandparents, every member of your family, first and forever. Abba God, Kind Jesus, You are gentle. Your Spirit brings freedom and healing. Our lives and times are yours. And like Jesus, we have come to do your will. Please open to us what you would have us understand and show us what to do with what we learn. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
We reckon with our past for two reasons: What we resist persists. But what comes to light BEcomes a light.
(SLIDE 7, WHAT WE RESIST)Our Christian tradition knows what psychologist Carl Jung said so well: What we resist persists. So we lean in to what’s uncomfortable because unrecognized sin—the unhealthy ways of relating and responding to life we learn and invent—continue affecting us and our children until we recognize them and receive God’s healing for them.
(SLIDE 8) Exodus 34:6-7. In Exodus, God declared this reality with Moses: “YHWH, YHWH, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion, and sin. Yet God does not leave the guilty unpunished; but punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.”
The word for punish in this passage isn’t the one-to-one of an angry parent whacking a kid, or a grim judge sentencing criminals. “Punish” here means “letting the sin play out” or “allowing the consequences to continue” down the line.
In Ex. 20, when the word first appears, it’s clear that when we allow anything other than God to control our lives—say fear that drives greed, silences grief, or fuels anger at someone’s real pain—that idol unrecognized captivates generation after generation of families, churches, communities, countries. Pete Scazzero says: Jesus may be in your heart, but Grandpa’s in your bones. And Scripture says their names and tells their stories, teaching us to bring our stories to light.
(SLIDE 9, beach)‘Cause what comes to light becomes a light. In Ephesians 5 Paul says an amazing thing: You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (here’s Christ’s new family)… Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness (they’re fruitless, dead ends), rather expose them. It’s shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret (it’s hard to speak of these things!) . But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and every-thing that is illuminated becomes a light.” What comes to light BEcomes a light.
We expose and explore the hard stuff, what bugs us, hurts us, trips us up—our unfruitful ways of relating and responding to life—because what we expose and explore with our loving God and our loving friends, what comes to light BEcomes a light, and our kids, grandkids, friends and neighbors experience fruitful freedom beyond what we could ever imagine to ask for. We build lives and families, churches and communities closer to God and more like Jesus.
This week EH gives us two tools: the genogram and unbiblical family command-ments. We’ll look at each briefly, and I’ll tell some of what I’m learning. But first I want to say that I couldn’t DO the work of considering the flaws of my family without the very strength and faithfulness of family to move me to this point. Without my parents’ generosity and grace to leave me space to do my work, I couldn’t be doing it. Even as I show you what is hard about my family, I do it because I’ve been led to this place on their shoulders and by their example.
(SLIDE 10, BRENDA’S GENOGRAM) So our basic feel for life and instinctive responses to it are shaped by our earliest years, ages 0 to 8-10. Although my parents kept changing, my unconscious feel for and responses to life and people were mostly set back then. Here are the ingredients of my early emotional stew:
· The Satrums immigrated from Norway in the early 1900’s, the Novaks from Yugoslavia. The Russells came west on the Oregon Trail. They were all poor, and life was hard (cool, beautiful and great, but also brutally hard). Dried buffalo chips for diaper powder hard. Depression hard. There were tragic deaths on both sides of the famiy. Mostly all that went inside and quiet. People didn’t have tools to deal with grief, so it went inside and silent—and came out sideways. Grandma Novak’s siblings split over inheritance—there were aunts and uncles I never knew about. As Grandma aged, she grew more and more dependent on mom. And that was hard.
· In my early years, like many of you, I often wasn’t coached in my behaviors, I was spanked and sent to my room. I don’t remember what I did wrong, only the punishment. I suspect anger that had nothing to do with me came at me in those moments. I learned not to trust myself, to watch myself anxiously and expect a whacking. I became a perfectionist: so I’m really good at lots of things! And rarely comfortable in my own skin.
· The Satrums worked really hard and got along. I never saw my folks disagree—I think a Christian parenting class taught them not to disagree in front of kids. I still don’t know how to disagree in my family.
· On the farm, mistakes could cost lives, limbs, harvests—that was a big deal. I loved the fields and the freedom—and books! But always the pressure.
Some of my early messages: Get it right, or someone gets hurt. Work is good and safe: work alot. Tears are weak. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Life is hard.
(SLIDE 11, 10 COMMANDMENTS) The other tool EH gives us this week is “Unbiblical Family Commandments,”some examples of messages that our culture and our families in the culture might be passing on. The categories are helpful: MONEY’s a big one. In my family, money (like sex) is dangerous; it can divide families. We don’t talk about it, but here’s a book.
And CONFLICT: fear makes conflict hard—deep in my bones, I fear that disagreement means exile. And religion’s mixed in here, too: The threat is that if we disagree with God, we could go to hell, right? Is God’s love REALLY unconditional, or do some disagreements separate us from GOD and everyone we love forever?
I don’t think that’s the message that Jesus was puttin’ out. I’ll just be frank about that. I don’t think that’s God’s deal in Jesus. See, “nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.” (Ro 8) That means NOTHING. There are some things that might not be great for us, but God loves us first. Always. Forever. We don’t have to be afraid to disagree. It’s bigger than we thought it was. Disagreement is rough in my family.
And ANGER is difficult. It’s dangerous—we can express anger about people in the news and outside the family, but we can’t express anger towards each other. To me it feels like punishment and isolation, it sends me out of the room. I can’t.
Wow. My family looks so stable and good that I really didn’t understand till recently why I so often felt anxious, fearful, and heavy.
(SLIDE 13, AS MY FATHER…) But what comes to light BEcomes a light. As the God loved Jesus, so Jesus loves you. And me. As we remain in Christ’s love, living his way as best we can, God’s love grows in us—love that’s patient and kind, never envious, boastful, arrogant, rude, love that’s slow to anger and keeps no record of wrongs… If Grandpa’s in our bones, the Spirit of Jesus is a bone-marrow transplant that rewrites our personal, relational, and family DNA.
As I wrap this up, Four things: is such tender stuff. You may have big feelings stirring. That’s ok. God loves you and your family first.
1) This is really tender stuff. There may be big feelings stirring. Some of you may carry shame or guilt around something that happened to you or something you did to another. God knows and loves you and every member of your family FIRST. ALWAYS. FOREVER. Take a breath. God wastes nothing—everything does work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to God’s GOOD purposes.
2) Life is a team sport. We don’t do this alone. I’m grateful for an AWESOME husband who’s in it with me. He was happy (still is) for my counselor and for the kind and wise people in my spiritual direction program and among our friends. We very, very often need others to help us through family stuff. Telling your story to a compassionate listener is a step toward healing. Everything that comes to light, BEcomes a light.
3) You may not be led to reckon with your past: that’s ok. Your kids and grandkids may. When they’re doing this work, you might catch some vibes, some feels—it’s ok. Stay in touch. If they come to you with questions, be as open as you can. It’s not disloyal to tell hard stories—our Bible is full of them, they need brought to light. And if your kids tell you something hard, try to just listen, sit with it; don’t defend or excuse it. You can come to your pastor/s later—it’s ok.
4) It’s not up to you or me to “fix anybody.” We can “move the ball down the field.” My folks moved the ball, as did my grandfolks, as will I: All this is possible because we’re bravely following Jesus to life in his new family. So here’s your question for today, maybe every day: Resting in the love and led by the Spirit of Jesus, given what you know, what is yours to do? What is yours to do? Talk God about that, then listen for the “still, small voice” …
Pray Ephesians 3:14-21.